


Phantom Limb

by Snap_crackle_spock



Series: Bonds Broken [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Also brief body-hopping I guess??, Anakin Skywalker Being an Idiot, But like in a "I miss my friend" way, F/M, I finally write Anakin content that isn't sk8r boi AU, Obi-Wan giving backhanded advice and hand motioning sassily, Padme being sleepy, also featuring Reach Comparisons(tm) between Anakin's hand and Ahsoka, mostly angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:08:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22355362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snap_crackle_spock/pseuds/Snap_crackle_spock
Summary: When he said that he could still feel his hand, he didn’t mean literally. He meant that, for a few brief moments during battle, he could forget that he wasn’t whole anymore. His brain would trick him for just a second into thinking that everything was as it was. And then he’d hold something that would be too hot by normal standards, or one of his fingers would get stuck, or magnets in the ceiling would draw him up with the weapons, and he’d remember that he was more machine than most other people.He didn’t want that to be Ahsoka. He didn’t want it to be that where once he would sometimes forget she was always there by his side fighting, now it would be that sometimes he would forget she wasn’t.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Series: Bonds Broken [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1565923
Comments: 2
Kudos: 73





	Phantom Limb

**Author's Note:**

> Anakin missing Ahsoka is my favorite emotion and I'm gonna be so Pissed if we never get some sweet sweet grief content in the new season.
> 
> Set in that 4th section of How To Break A Force Bond (but you don't actually have to read it to understand what's going on)

When Ahsoka was a Padawan -Maker that felt like a lifetime ago- one of her friends had been working on a project they had lovingly called  _ The Art of War _ . It was a presentation for one of the Senators in an effort to allocate funds for the conservation of the art of people displaced by the war. The main thesis had centered on the idea that all of the greatest art has come from times of turmoil, whether it be war or famine or plague. All the greatest artists had done their best work when they were fighting against something. 

The best things come from the worst times. 

Ahsoka had given Anakin the whole speech immediately after she’d heard it. She’d still been new at that time, eager to impress with knowledge and skill that he would eventually come to simply expect from her. She’d referenced artists and pulled up their work and he hadn’t had the heart to tell her that it was all just a fancy and bureaucratic form of propaganda. He didn’t want to squash her enthusiasm by breaking it to her that he didn’t buy into any of it for a second. 

And then she left. And maybe then he did get it. 

Tracking people down had always been part of being a Jedi Knight, and he can’t remember the last time he tried harder to find someone than when he tried to find Ahsoka. 

For those first days that she’d disappeared while the council still thought she was capable of murder -did they even  _ know her?-  _ he’d looked for her harder than he’d ever looked for anything. He’d done some of the best detective work he’d ever done in his kriffing  _ life _ just to get her back. 

And for what? For her to say thanks but no? What had any of that been for?

_ To show her that you care.  _

_ To show her that, even if she didn’t want it you’d always be there no matter what.  _

_ To show her that if you ever believed in anything it was in her.  _

Later that night, Padme asked if he was okay and, since he could literally never hold back any of his stupid thoughts from coming out when he was around her, he told her the truth. That he wasn’t. He told her that he knew he shouldn’t be because a Jedi shouldn’t be attached to anything in the first place, but he was hurt. It felt like losing a limb. (He would know.)

“What do you mean, Ani?” She asked in the sweet way she could always switch on and off like the master politician she was, reaching her arms to twine into his hair as they lay in her ridiculously comfortable bed. Why couldn’t the Temple have these beds? It made him never want to leave the sanctity of her penthouse. 

“For the first couple of weeks, after I️ lost my hand, I could still feel it. Do you know what I mean?” He didn’t really give her time to finish, “I don’t mean I could feel it severed from my body, I just kept feeling it like it was still there. Like I would just look down and I’d still be looking at flesh, not just realistic metal.” He flexed his robotic hand, as if subconsciously emphasizing his point. 

“Ani, the prosthetics you’re using is state of the art. It’s one of the best money can buy, and with the work you constantly are doing on it, no wonder it’s so exceptional.” She pressed a soft kiss on his clavicle before curling into his side, and he got the feeling that there was not going to be any continuation of this discussion. 

He knew Padme was grieving, too. After all, Ahsoka had been her friend. Not to mention the countless times his Padawan – _ former _ padawan– had saved her life. With all of the work that she’d put into Ahsoka’s defense before the Senate, he knew it couldn’t feel good to see her walk away again. Still, she didn’t understand fully. 

When he said that he could still feel his hand, he didn’t mean literally. He meant that, for a few brief moments during battle, he could forget that he wasn’t whole anymore. His brain would trick him for just a second into thinking that everything was as it was. And then he’d hold something that would be too hot by normal standards, or one of his fingers would get stuck, or magnets in the ceiling would draw him up with the weapons, and he’d remember that he was more machine than most other people. 

He didn’t want that to be Ahsoka. He didn’t want it to be that where once he would sometimes forget she was always there by his side fighting, now it would be that sometimes he would forget she wasn’t. 

As he settled down with Padme splaying a hand on his chest, he reached out to his and Ahsoka’s bond. It had failed him before, when he’d tried to locate her through it. Truth be told, it had been failing him more and more often than he cared to admit. He didn’t want to look the idea that maybe this separation of the two of them was longer coming than anticipated in the eyes. 

Their bond didn’t work for the traditional Jedi uses like planning battles or long-distance locating anymore, but it still worked. He could still feel her out there. He closed his eyes, begging for every inch of his supposed Chosen One-ness to pull through and help.

_ It was dark. The ground beneath him was dirty, and when his hand ended up touching it, he pulled it back after scraping it against a small shard of glass. He felt… smaller. Quicker and more nimble than he ever had before.  _

With a start, Anakin opened his eyes. The eyes he hadn’t been seeing through a moment ago. After quickly glancing down to check if he’d woken Padme and then breathing a sigh of relief when he found her lightly snoring, he closed his eyes again. More prepared now. 

_ It was cold here, on where he assumed was one of the lower levels. People were passing by without even sparing a passing, pitiful glance at the little Togruta teenager that was clearly lost and alone. He (Ahsoka?) got up, rubbing a hand over her bare shoulders in an effort to keep herself warm.  _

**_Maker,_** he thought, **_if she was planning on leaving she should’ve at least grabbed a cloak._**

_ He watched through her eyes as Ahsoka made her way down the street, presumably in search of somewhere a little less sharp to sit.  _

**_If she’d only ask Padme would take her in. She_ ** **knows** **_Padme would take her in why won’t she ask?_ **

_ While walking down a less-crowded side alley, two devoronians stumbled out of a bar, leaning heavily on each other in order to keep semi-upright. The pale one on the left took a glance at her and blew out a low whistle, causing Anakin to bristle.  _

_ He felt Ahsoka instinctually reach to where her sabers hung from her hips, only to find nothing there.  _

**_She doesn’t have her sabers. She never got them back. Shedoesn’thavehersabersShedoesn’thavehersabersShedoesn’thavehersabers-_ **

Immediately flinging the covers off of him, Anakin lept out of the warmth and comfort of the bed, desperately searching for his robes.

“Ani?” Padme asked drowsily, rubbing one of her eyes, “Is everything alright?”

“Yes,” he said, leaning in to press a quick kiss to her forehead, “there’s just something I have to do. I’ll be back soon.”

“Don’t do anything brash, please,” she called as he made his way to the terrace where his speeder was waiting. 

“Me?” he laughed, “never.”

* * *

Sneaking into the Temple to retrieve Ahsoka’s sabers from where he’d left them one of the shelves in their formerly shared room was easy enough. After all, he technically was supposed to be there. And, either way, he’d become very adept at sneaking in and out of the Jedi Temple at odd hours of the night. 

The tricky part was reaching out to try and find her again. 

He hadn’t managed to get a good look around when he’d been seeing through Ahsoka’s eyes, but he knew enough to find his way to the lower levels of Coruscant. After that, it was just a matter of looking around for anything that sparked a familiar ping in his mind that would indicate he was on the right path. 

**_This is the right thing,_** he thought on his third lap around the same apartment building, **_I’m just trying to help. I can leave it alone after this. I just want her to be safe, surely she can realize that._**

On his fifth trip around the block, even he was beginning to grow skeptical of that. 

**_Maybe if I reach out, this time she’ll let me come._ **

Stepping off to the side of the walkway, he closed his eyes again and reached out on their bond, attempting to open the door he’d never actually closed. 

_Snips,_ _it’s me. I just want to know where you are. I won’t try to get you to come back, please, I just want to help._

And, to her credit, she did respond. Not in any way that he’d expected or hoped for, but at least he knew she was still alive as she mentally built up her walls higher than he’d ever seen before. 

_ Ahsoka, please- _

But it was just rebounded from her with a firm indifference. 

* * *

He kept reaching out through their bond, switching between giving her the latest gossip from the Temple and begging her to make contact so that he could help, but it was only met with her hardened and ever-strengthening mental walls. 

But walls he could live with. 

Walls meant she was at least okay. 

He stopped going out and searching for her, which he figured was what she’d wanted all along, but when he left her sabers at Padme’s and sent a message down the bond explaining what he did, they were gone by the next cycle. 

It hurt to see them gone. Part of them even wishes he’d kept them. Without them, there was nothing left of her in the now-only-his room. Being people impartial to material objects, the Jedi were scarcely afforded sentimental objects, and Ahsoka had always been far better at following the Code than he had. She’d always been a better Jedi than he had. 

The only other thing that ever even indicated that she’d been there was Padawan beads he kept in one of the pouches slung at his waist, just in case. In case of what? He didn’t know. 

(Yes he did). 

(In case she ever came back home). 

It became exactly as he’d expected, a phantom limb attached to nothing anymore. It didn’t really bother him so much as sadden him every time he looked over to make a quick joke only to find nobody next to him. It was fine. He was fine. It wasn’t an issue. At least, not until-

“How could you make such a stupid mistake, Anakin?” Obi-Wan asked in his best ‘I’m your friend but I’m also your former teacher and also you’re a stupid little brat’ voice. Which was one that he seemed to take on quite a lot with Anakin. “I mean, honestly? Must we revoke your Knighthood? Answer me honestly!”

“I’m fine, Master,” Anakin grumbled from his uncomfortable bed in the hospital wing. MedCorps clones were bustling around with Bacta vats and Med-droids. He just wanted to leave. The blaster scar freshly made on his back was no big deal. Injury was a part of war. 

“No, you’re not,” Obi-Wan said, crossing his arms, “you’re wounded. Because you left your rear so open I’m surprised a herd of ton-tons didn’t take you by surprise.”

Anakin just turned face away (which only hurt enough to be manageable) and pulled the pillow he’d been resting his head on over his ears. The last thing he needed was another lecture. Surely the Council would have one waiting for him when he returned for his next assignment, too. 

“-and don’t think I haven’t noticed how often you’ve been making this same mistake,” Maker, was Obi-Wan really still talking? “-this just happened to be the first time that you got hurt because of it. What would’ve happened if that droid had been aiming a little higher? Anakin, this is  _ reckless.” _

“Well, I’m sorry that I’m used to having someone cover my back.” He meant it as a jab at Obi-Wan for not sticking to their attack formation, but he knew how it sounded. He knew that even though Ahsoka had been gone for over a year now they both immediately thought the same thing. 

“Anakin I-” 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He said indignantly, pulling his metal hand in closer to his chest. He would have to do some work on it later. It was getting stuck. 

“Perhaps,” Obi-Wan said after a moment of silence, “getting another apprentice to watch your back wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world?” He phrased it as a question, but even just the tone of voice made it clear that he’d been sitting on this one for a while. 

“You mean get a new Padawan?” Anakin asked in disbelief. Not only was another kid to watch the  _ last _ thing he needed as the war was coming to a head, but just the thought of training someone else, someone who would undoubtedly have less skill, be less exciting, get along with him worse, and have a stingier sense of humor than Ahsoka? He’d rather try to give Ventress a hug. 

“It’s just something to think about, Anakin.” Obi-Wan put a defensive hand up, “I’ve noticed that you’re acting brasher and more headstrong than even in  _ your _ Padawan days, and thought perhaps training another student might level you out again. Besides, Ahsoka became one of the Order’s finest-”

“Until they threw her out.” He sat up to face Obi-Wan for this. If this was the fight that  _ Master Kenobi _ wanted to pick, then fine. “You mean that she was the Order’s finest  _ until _ she gave them a reason for even a shred of doubt and a hint of an image problem. She was one of your best  _ until _ she was too much to deal with because she had been set up and so she became the Republic’s problem. And then, when her name got cleared –which, I should add,  _ you _ did  _ nothing _ to help with– it’s ‘the Force testing her’. Spare me.”

“Anakin, all I’m saying is that you were an excellent teacher-”

“And what happens if she comes back?” He asked, and he was so kriffing mad that his voice cracked a bit because that meant he was about to get a second lecture on sentimentality. “What if she finally shows up again and sees that I’ve moved on and- and just  _ replaced _ her? I’m not betraying her a second time.”

“You didn’t betray her,” Obi-Wan said, sitting on the bed next to him, “you were the only one who stuck by her through that whole ordeal. She knows that, Anakin. I promise.”

“So I should just move on, then? Is that what you’re saying.”

“All I’m saying is that I think she has in her own way. I don’t think she’s coming back. It’s not the Jedi way to hold onto something because of your emotions. I miss her too, I promise, but if this is the path that she’s chosen for herself, that she’s been choosing every day for the past year, then it’s only fair that you respect her wishes and let her be. If you don’t want a new Padawan, that’s fine. It was just a suggestion, but you can’t keep holding to the past or it will kill you.”

Obi-Wan left the room without further comment, and Anakin was left wondering if Ahsoka held on the same way he did. 

* * *

Later, when he was alone in his room and feeling the sentimentality he knew he shouldn’t, he pulled out her Padawan beads and held them in his mechanical hand. He thought of the good she’d done, and the good he hoped she was still doing. He sent these emotions down their bond, a habit he’d developed as a simple way to check if she was still out there fighting her own fight, and, somewhere, he felt his phantom limb lower its walls, if just a smidge. 

**Author's Note:**

> *sigh* Sh(ayden)e...


End file.
